By Cynthia Wang

Why would you ever want to play an instrument?

First of all, craning your neck over a violin 24/7 will surely perpetrate some severe spinal disease. Also, blowing into a tube is just a waste of time and saliva. Those band students must be constantly oxygen-deprived – their lifespan no doubt shortening significantly. Every time I pass by those jail cells called “Music Rooms,” my ears implode. The blood-curdling screeches echoing down the choir hallway, accompanied by the twig-waving terrorist’s screams of bloody murder, just serve to ruin my day and shatter my youthful glee. Don’t even mention dance or theatre: I swear, those ritualistic Satanists with their flailing limbs and gaping mouths are in some coveted cult; they must be!

So why should we ever properly recognize APAC performing arts?

We’ve already established that they are simply unworthy of team uniforms: what’s a couple dozen years of cultish practice, blackened fingertips, strained vocal chords, and crusty lips compared to our blood, toil, tears, and sweat out on our oh-so-glorious field? Such repugnant tyrants should not be allowed to reign over our school anymore. They must be quarantined and suppressed, for their revolting noises must be confined to a minimum in order to allow the ultimate complete, authoritarian rule of sports over all activities. We must preserve whatever purity we have left in our sanctum of a school; we cannot tolerate the fostering of such deceitful, wicked crafts!

Not to mention the internal turmoil going on between those duplicitous Puritan worshippers of “music.” Those four-stringed instruments of ear-hemorrhage-induced-death are not afraid to lynch their spit-infested, plastic-tube-blowing counterparts on crosses of mucilaginous, inedible tree sap; those bonfire-worshippers with their hoots and screams will gladly scorch their fellow spine-tingling screamers and present them as human sacrifices, sandwiched between the secretions of their prey. Look at us athletes, ever so peaceful with absolutely zero tolerance for any sort of drama (except for the baseball players, of course: who could ever look at them, clamped in their inappropriate ballet tights, and not smirk in pity?).

For all of the unconditionally reasonable arguments presented, APAC performing arts should not be mentioned at all during community meetings, nor should they be supported in any way shape or form. To all those who say that APAC performing arts deserve more recognition: I say that they most certainly do not! They obviously contaminate our shrine of honorary sports, and they are unquestionably lesser in all means when compared our righteously lionized athletic programs. Hell, why do our lovely Activities admin still tolerate the effort of incorporating slides of recognition for those scandalous so-called “celebrations of aesthetics” when they could clearly simply substitute time wasted on such revolting activities for more high-quality iMovie rugby propaganda? Why not have classes on basketball, volleyball, and badminton and make better use of the lovely air-conditioned suites that such undeserving, ghastly undertakings currently occupy? Let us join arms and rebel against the tyranny of the arts!