By Kenneth Shu
So you want funding for your club huh? Well, for a start, don’t get your hopes up. Getting club funding is hard, ridiculously hard. To paint a picture for you non-creative peoples, you’re more likely to get a scholarship from Harvard than persuade the administration to pay for that extra trip your club has been planning. But there’s no need to lose all your hopes just yet, there’s always a way to milk the school for that extra pound of cash. So, in the name of good fortune and comedic relief, here are 3 realistic ways you could get school funding.
- Classify your club as a sport.
This may sound stupid, but it is the only surefire way of getting the school to financially support you. The school administration has this almost fanatical obsession with anything physical or sports related, so you’re much more likely to gain the approval of the big funders if you frame your clubs in this context. Now, now, you might be wondering “but dude my interest club has nothing physical involved in it” … well, Forensics and Golf aren’t physical sports, so if they get classified as a sport then your charity club will surely get that same distinction. Just emphasize the intense hard mental labor behind whatever your club is supposed to do and voila… instant club subsidization.
- Civil disobedience and harassment tactics.
If you don’t get what you want at first, try, try, and try again until you do. Your club deserves that school funding, those starving charity babies and quiz bowl fans need that extra wad of cash from the school. In times of desperation, you’re gonna need desperate tactics to get what you want. Start by following members of the administration, whether that’s Clapp or Hossack, just tail them the whole day while constantly nagging about school subsidization. If that doesn’t work, you can always picket the school offices and vicariously voice your disapproval through colorful posters that you’ve littered across the school grounds. Remember, the more annoying you are, the more likely you are to succeed. So, turn on that irritating Bieber voice and start haggling for some extra change.
- Steal all the key cards.
Now, this is a tricky one, but if you somehow manage to pull this off, then you’re officially a class one genius and probably facing expulsion at this very moment. Getting the key cards is a bit tricky, but once you have everything you could officially lock all the doors and completely immobilize. If teachers can’t access their rooms, then they can’t conduct their classes, and the school will be forced to shut down until they gain access again. The amount of inconvenience you’ve caused will surely force the administration to act. And once the desperation sets in, you can then ransom the key cards back in exchange for the much-needed club funding you’ve just endangered your high school career to get.
Now, there are more reasonable ways of getting club funding, but if you have the cajones to pursue all three of these measures, and somehow remain unscathed in the process, then you should expect smooth sailing club subsidizations from here on out. You might have sold your morals and endangered your position in this school, but at least you get to relax and finally enjoy that much-needed funding your club so desperately needs. So, relax comrade, you finally got what you wanted in the end… hopefully.
The opinions expressed in this satirical article are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent the views of Pudong Press.