I have a friend that keeps calling me dumb and it’s getting to my head. What should I do? I’ve told my friend multiple times but he just doesn’t care. He’s in my friend group and theres nothing I can do about it.

From: Apple

Dear Apple,

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and, on a surface level, your friend seems pretty horrible. 

However, I would like to make the point that it’s very difficult to know what’s going on behind the scenes in a persons life. Of course, I don’t want to make any assumptions, but oftentimes the trigger for vile or mean behavior towards others is due to the social or emotional insecurity in oneself. Perhaps this person doesn’t have many loving and genuine relationships, or people they believe they can fully confide in and lean on. In this case I believe the best plan of action is the mantra “kill them with kindness.”

I acknowledge that this is very cliché indeed, and sometimes unrealistic (I’ll get to that later). But without knowing why a person is acting irrationally or being mean, this is a viable path to take. Speak to this person, communicate. And of course, if this is too straightforward of an approach, subtler methods such as asking more about how this person is doing, conversing on their plans and hobbies, and making a greater effort to take more interest in their affairs may ease this situation. 

Moving on to if this positive approach doesn’t work, which as I’ve mentioned before is a possible situation, ask around your friend group. Are they only treating you like this? Or is this their behavior towards everyone? I know you’ve said you’ve told them multiple times, but perhaps having a friend or two come with you would finally make them listen. If your other friends harbor the same experiences as you, go speak to them together. If it’s just you, you could relate this issue to a friend you trust, and likewise go together to confront them. Furthermore, when I say “confront,” I don’t mean in an “all up in your face way.” Rather, genuinely ask them why they do this, what their motives are, and relate to them in depth why it bothers you so much. 

If at last none of these measures work, taking a step back from this person may help. Tell your other friends this dilemma, and chances are, true friends would support you knowing your side of the story, as they appear to not want to tell theirs. Check in occasionally with this friend, see how they’re doing and progressing, but if they still don’t change, breaking off this relationship would be a good option. Also as a side note: Don’t ever let other people’s words get to your head. I know it’s much easier said than done, but just remember that nobody knows you better than yourself. Whatever other people label you stems from ignorance and sometimes spite. So please please know that the things other people label or call you are in no way a representation of who you really are.

Kind regards,

Askolotl