How do I get a hot senator of Naboo (Padme) to like me and marry me (I’m 9 and she’s 14 btw)

From: Ani

Dear Ani,

My, my! I can feel your passion — it burns brighter than twin suns over Tatooine. Don’t let anyone dismiss your feelings as “puppy love.” Many great tragedies have begun with less!

Now, my years of galactic experience tell me this journey won’t be easy. First, you must pray to the Force for the glimmering locks and piercing blue eyes of my homie Hayden Christensen. Once so blessed, you must train diligently in the art of looking mysteriously tormented while swinging a laser sword.

Patience is key, child. In about a decade, when your cheekbones sharpen and your angst reaches its zenith, the Senator of Naboo will finally notice you — right before you start having prophetic nightmares and a mildly concerning fascination with sand.

But beware! Love is forbidden for folks like you. If you persist, make sure your vows are exchanged in a secret lakeside ceremony with excellent cinematography.

May the Force (and your hair) be with you.

Yours in galactic guidance,
Askolotl